Friday, 11 May 2012

It all happened on 10.05.2012 ( My worst Nightmare)

You want me to go for Surgery???????

What is a thyroidectomy, thyroid surgery?


Traditional Technique
The traditional thyroid surgery (thyroidectomy) consists of making a 3-4 inch incision in the neck and removing the thyroid gland. This surgery is invasive and requires general anesthesia. A non-complicated thyroidectomy typically takes 2-3 hours. One can also have a hemi-thyroidectomy. In this surgery only half of the thyroid is removed.
The traditional thyroidectomy usually requires a patient to be admitted to the hospital for 2-3 days for monitoring. A full recovery typically takes 2-4 weeks depending on the extent of the surgery and if any addition surgery was required (lymphectomy).
Thyroid surgery can be very intimidating. The thyroid gland is located next to the Laryngeal nerve which controls your voice. If the laryngeal nerve is damaged from surgery one can have permanent voice changes or hoarseness.
Risks of Thyroid Surgery:
Damage to the laryngeal nerve
Damage to the parathyroid glands
Infection
Bleeding
Scaring
Difficulty swallowing


Saturday, 19 November 2011

What is Chemo????

     Before all this I didn’t really know what the difference between chemo and radiation was, it all just seemed like some nondescript, horrible stuff that I hoped I never had to go through......
But the world keeps spinning.... and it turns out chemo and radiation are two different things. I’m still not entirely clear on what radiation is.....and I’m not sure I’ll even have to go through it, so I’m happy to just discuss chemo.......

   Chemotherapy is a treatment for cancer that involves an IV....a lazy boy recliner.... and chocolate chip cookies.....The lazy boys at the place I go are all green and covered in fake leather...... They are lined up against a wall with dividers between them, giving the same sort of fragile privacy that similar dividers provide in men’s bathrooms.......
   Each lazy boy has a phone next to it.....This is in case you are super busy and need to make important phone calls whilst they are pumping you full of the drugs that will damn-near kill you...... I don’t know anyone this busy........
    Each chair is also equipped with it’s own television that gets poor reception of local stations....... This is convenient if you are really nuts about daytime television and you wouldn’t miss your soaps for anything.
The cookies are in the waiting room...... I don’t know where they get them, but they are awesome. Clearly the bakery keeps the best cookies for us cancer patients. They probably use a pound of butter in each cookie..... but I mean, what do we care......right? What, is it going to give us cancer? Gimme one of those damn cookies, and put more butter in it next time.......
  The rest of the cancer center is pretty sterile looking...... The walls are painted with the soothing, tan color that they always use on those ASTRO shows.... Hanging in the corner is an embroidered acronym that cleverly uses the individual letters of CHEMOTHERAPY in a sad prayer....... There are also small dolls dressed as nurses........ This corner freaks me out.......




   The real nurses sit at a big desk and talk on the phone to doctors...... Behind them is a big ice and water machine. The water and ice machine is the biggest piece of equipment in the whole place.......
When you come for your chemotherapy session, they first take your blood and send it off to “the lab,” which must be a place very..... very far away...... judging on the amount of time it takes for things to go and come back from it..... You then have to wait a few hours for the far-away people at “the lab” to test your blood.
An order is then sent to “the pharmacy,” another place in a far-off land.... where they measure out and mix the drugs that they will be giving you..... The drugs have to be measured exactly, based on your height and weight that day.........
    Meanwhile, you are still sitting in the lazy boy.....watching your soaps and eating your butter cookies..... The nurses hook up an IV to the port that was surgically implanted in your chest and give you huge amounts of “saline.” “Saline” is something that looks like water that is apparently not water that makes you have to go to the bathroom a lot......
    Before the drugs come, the nurse, who in my case, is sort of cute, puts several drugs through your IV. First, she puts in a steroid called Decadron..... This is to bolster your system before the other drugs destroy your system. Having Decodron is a lot like having a direct IV drip of pure.... liquid caffeine.....
   Then the nurse puts Benedryl through the IV, which makes you extraordinarily tired. You might fall asleep at this point, but as you are unable to stop moving from the Decadron, sleep is not really an option.....
Then the chemo drugs come..... Their are four different drugs that need to go into you before you can leave.....The first one is colored like red Kool-Aid. It’s a little frightening to see the red liquid floating down the IV tube towards your body. You think, “OH GOD, here it comes!” And the nurse is looking at you, and you are looking at the nurse, and suddenly it seems like all the other patients are looking at you, and you are looking at them, and the red stuff is coming down the pipe, and the nurse is looking at you, and you can’t stop fidgeting, and the room is getting smaller, and it’s coming and it’s coming and it’s coming!!!!
But then it’s not so bad. It doesn’t feel like anything. One by one they put all the drugs into you and it doesn’t feel like anything....
  Then they give you a few shots that will, again, help fix the system that the drugs just screwed up. By this point you are pretty sick of being stuck with needles and you have had your fill of butter cookies. Then the nigtmare started....you will non stop vomit till you need to be injected again with drugs to make you sleep.......it is always better to be in dreamland when your are dealing with Chemo...... sometimes you will need breathing ventilator if you have difficulties in breathing.....^ ^ I will survive because of my anger on someone is getting strong......I want to teach him a lesson when I meet him again....hahahahah (evil laugh)

Thursday, 17 November 2011

My Life

     There are new people in the chemo center that I’ve never seen before....since have to prepare myself for chemo again..... New people must come in all the time....... Filling up the green recliners and drinking water from little....white....styrofoam cups.......
     I don’t know how the nurses and doctors manage to spend every day in that place...... Don’t they ever start to feel like it’s all just too much? Don’t they ever want to leave all the disease and all the sadness in that place? Doesn’t it wear on them?
      I don’t know.... It felt good  when I know that I will be back there again soon..... I’ve had a hard time placing the emotion, but lately I’ve just been feeling…better...... I can’t understand it.....I’m working all the time and  forget everything that happened in my life.… I can’t understand why chemotherapy would be despressing at first....but the second cycle makes me think that I should relax and enjoy the process....there is nothing that I want to hold on....let GOD decide everything....myabe it is time to let go everything....
       Sometimes it just occurs to me that my life is being filled with more and more things I’m supposed to do......and less with things that feel right......People call that growing up, and I call those people quitters.....
And it occurs to me that being surrounded by nurses and blankets and little..... styrofoam cups filled with water felt....somehow, safer than being surrounded by blue walls in my room.....
      I can’t remember things very well. My nurse says that’s normal.....side-effect of chemo. That it’ll probably get better. But that doesn’t help me find my car when I walk out the door with an arm full of stuffs...... And that doesn’t help me when the person picks up my phone call and I realize that I’ve forgotten who I was calling....... Or that I need to bring a goddamn pencil with me to rehearsal....or listen to that CD.... or do whatever else.....I can’t remember. Sometimes I just want to sit down right in the middle of that big.... stupid parking lot.... with all my heavy stuffs around me....and cry about how lousy it all is.....
     And then I think that I’m 27.. and a man...... and people like me aren’t supposed to get upset.... So I do what I’m supposed to do..... And I wonder how I got here instead of somewhere else......And I can’t understand why life scares me now..... I can’t understand why traveling doesn’t sound like fun anymore.... I don’t feel like being in the blue room....and I want to be in chemo and I feel better in the room with the cancer patients....
     Again – I don’t know..... I remember having a plan before all this incident happened..... Things I wanted to do.... and places I still wanted to see....people that I want to meet again.... I meant to be on a beach or other coutries.... right now. I meant to learn how to surf........ I meant to live in another country. I meant to behave better, and look better, and eat better...... And where,...before... things all seemed so possible.... now I just have to admire those that could have enough courage to dream up all that stuff.........

Sunday, 13 November 2011

My closest enemy/ friend

Before I start explaining, I want YOU to have a close look at this XRAY....
 These are my lungs and the reason why I have a swollen right lung is because of that small white dot...He is my closest friend/ enemy. I did learn a lot from him..He teaches me to have proper meal and healthy food...He also makes sure I know that who is my real friend.. I am having sleeping disorder because of him too...I can easily fall asleep at anywhere due the new medication going against him....If I dont take the medicine, I will have terrible back pain and chest pain....Everytime during the pain, feel like killing myself....Nobody can feel the pain that I have to deal with.....The booster shots they gave me during chemo which encourages my bone marrow to overproduce red and white blood cells. This will ensure that I’m strong enough to continue the treatments.....It’s hard to appreciate how many bones you have in your body until they all start hurting at once.....I am still having the pain till today...I thought  it was over , but yesterday my bones screamed out like a wicked choir in a clench-your-teeth-and-wait-for-it-to-pass kind of pain....Sometimes, I want to end everything as soon as possible....I want to release my anger but there is no place for me to release.....keeping it inside my heart is killing me slowy...I do not want to burden people around me anymore because one day, they will be annoyed by it and will tell me directly....I try to be happy in front them altough I am in deep pain because I DO NOT want to be hurt again...I am damn useless, Why I cant be healthy again? Why I want to rely on others? I want to run to a place where everyone treats me as their friends and relatives rather than burden...Although you never tell  that I am a burden in your life but I can sense it.....and I can feel it..If I think it is the right time, I will dissapear....maybe it will be better for all of us..Thanks to him, I get to know people around me well and their sober limit....
    Not easy to be a human and it will be worse if you are a sick person " The ODD one"....People will look down at you or think that you are using their sympathy to gain something....but they never think that you are dying and you might leave them anytime.....they do not cherish every moments that you spend with them, they will think that you are annoying or troublesome..invading their privacy or space and why you are requesting so much from them...why you keep saying that you love them or hug them..... but when you are no longer around, what is the purpose of crying and being sad??????....As human being, we never learn this lesson, we will never appreciate people around us until the day we lost them.....
                                                                ( NUMB)

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Two movies from 730pm till 1200am.

  Saturday is my favourite day because I can watch mvie in cinema...I love to watch movie because it will make me to forget the hectic weekdays that I have been through....By watching movie, I can relax myself and at the same time, spend some quality time with the person I trusted the most....However, this saturday I managed to watch two emotional movies which are related to fatherhood....I love my dad because he is my Hero..I know he loves me so much and he is willing to give up anything for me...Love you dad....Honestly, I was emotional when I was watching these two movies in cinema....Thanks you so much for accompanying me to watch movies most of the saturdays......You are the best!!!
( Reel Steel 10pm till 12am)
                                                               (730pm till 9pm)




Thursday, 20 October 2011

A Suprise Gift part 2

   When I first met them in the meeting room, I warned myself not to get close with them.I must show my professionalism by keep distance from them. They are just students from Taiwan who came here to offer their help. But, one month is long enough for strangers to become brothers and sisters..WalaoA...my worst nightmare is to be attached with them....Haiz...since GOD send them to comfort me...well I have to accept the fact that they have been part of my life.

The reason why I am writing this post is because I want them to know that how much I love them...


Well the first intruder in my life is Daniel Ma.... ( My Butter/Mentee)
   

    Assistant Principal wanted him to be my mentee because she told me that we share lot of similarities. Well, .My first impression towards him ..He is a person with attitude but XXXX...wahahaha....I didnt want to care much about him as I mentioned earlier... I wanted to keep distance from him....However, when God started to interfere......it is impossible for me to keep distance him..We started to know each other well when I brought to Portuegese village to taste our local seafood...well, as Malaysian, we have the courtesy to treat our friends and I did give him a letter before he returned back to Taiwan...but his second return to Malaysia touched me ....I still can remember vividly on the last day before he went back to Taiwan....He was trying his best to make everyone happy and I was touched by his words..Butter I will never forget what you told me in the airport and Thanks for everything...You will always be in my heart.....

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

My "Devils"

  This week will be the last week for me to teach in classroom since my "devils"will sit for exam next week.. During their exam, I will be in Seremban and will not be  able to see them until 1st November 2011....Never in their life they are so attentive during the lesson when they know that they will not have form teacher till November.. I told them today so they are worried for me but they also know that if they do well in UEC it will be my best medicine..hahahaaha I never think that I can use my sickness as "sword" to force them study well.....
    I have learnt not to give up. This is because the "devils"  taught me not give up although it was too late. They keep continue fighting which encourage me to be braver...Being their form teacher required me to be optimistic all the time....they have done so much for me so it is my time to pay back what I owed them..J3 Yi...you guys rock and I love you all so much...No matters what happens, we will always have each others...and hope to see all the boys wear long pants and girls wear skirts next year....I am proud of you all...another two weeks I have to face a new challenge and with all your wishes...I will go through this process happily...... everyone needs to be loved so show your loves to your beloved one immediately.....I will hug each of them tomorrow to wish them all the best...