There are new people in the chemo center that I’ve never seen before....since have to prepare myself for chemo again..... New people must come in all the time....... Filling up the green recliners and drinking water from little....white....styrofoam cups.......
I don’t know how the nurses and doctors manage to spend every day in that place...... Don’t they ever start to feel like it’s all just too much? Don’t they ever want to leave all the disease and all the sadness in that place? Doesn’t it wear on them?
I don’t know.... It felt good when I know that I will be back there again soon..... I’ve had a hard time placing the emotion, but lately I’ve just been feeling…better...... I can’t understand it.....I’m working all the time and forget everything that happened in my life.… I can’t understand why chemotherapy would be despressing at first....but the second cycle makes me think that I should relax and enjoy the process....there is nothing that I want to hold on....let GOD decide everything....myabe it is time to let go everything....
Sometimes it just occurs to me that my life is being filled with more and more things I’m supposed to do......and less with things that feel right......People call that growing up, and I call those people quitters.....
And it occurs to me that being surrounded by nurses and blankets and little..... styrofoam cups filled with water felt....somehow, safer than being surrounded by blue walls in my room.....
I can’t remember things very well. My nurse says that’s normal.....side-effect of chemo. That it’ll probably get better. But that doesn’t help me find my car when I walk out the door with an arm full of stuffs...... And that doesn’t help me when the person picks up my phone call and I realize that I’ve forgotten who I was calling....... Or that I need to bring a goddamn pencil with me to rehearsal....or listen to that CD.... or do whatever else.....I can’t remember. Sometimes I just want to sit down right in the middle of that big.... stupid parking lot.... with all my heavy stuffs around me....and cry about how lousy it all is.....
And then I think that I’m 27.. and a man...... and people like me aren’t supposed to get upset.... So I do what I’m supposed to do..... And I wonder how I got here instead of somewhere else......And I can’t understand why life scares me now..... I can’t understand why traveling doesn’t sound like fun anymore.... I don’t feel like being in the blue room....and I want to be in chemo and I feel better in the room with the cancer patients....
Again – I don’t know..... I remember having a plan before all this incident happened..... Things I wanted to do.... and places I still wanted to see....people that I want to meet again.... I meant to be on a beach or other coutries.... right now. I meant to learn how to surf........ I meant to live in another country. I meant to behave better, and look better, and eat better...... And where,...before... things all seemed so possible.... now I just have to admire those that could have enough courage to dream up all that stuff.........
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